Thursday, November 30, 2006

Ted Haggard Day: Did You Miss It?

Well, officially it was "National Methamphetamine Awareness Day", but for some reason -- I hope I'm not being too cynical here -- I don't think this would have happened on behalf of some anonymous speed freak from the streets of D.C.

Pat Robertson must be so jealous -- what, no "National Call For The Assassination of Freely-Elected Foreign Leaders Who Are Not Right-Wing Puppets of the U.S. Government Day"?

The press release (hat tip to Kvatch and If I Ran The Zoo) says:
"Now, therefore, I, George W. Bush, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim..."
(I'm getting a mental picture of the Mayor of Munchkin City unrolling his scroll, proclaiming a holiday throughout the Land of Oz...)
"...proclaim Nov. 30, as National Methamphetamine Awareness Day. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this day with appropriate programs and activities."
Except that, since the press release went out late morning the day before, nobody had any chance to prepare any "appropriate programs and activities". No working it into the next day's Social Studies lesson, no time to book a conference room and invite panel members for discussion. The only thing they left time for anyone to do was to call up the local neighborhood meth dealer and score (optional: get a hotel room, call the escort service for a "massage").

Government by press release. What is it about this administration that it resembles a business run entirely by the legal and marketing departments?

I can hear him now, holding court on the evils of meth: "Y'all oughta get off the crank and just do a few lines, like I did way back when. And if you're too coked up to show up at the National Guard base for your aeromedical exam, well, you probably didn't want to see any combat anyway." Hail to The Chief!

When it's some pointless dog-and-pony show, he pulls himself up to full height, cues the march music, and cites "the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States". I guess that, in his diminutive view of the Constitution, that’s all it’s good for. For anything else, especially if it affects our freedom, our safety, or the economic future of our country, it's "Ah've got me sum political capital, and ah'm gonna spend it.", or "Ah'm the decider, not the uniter", or "Ah'm just gonna pull this foreign policy outa mah ass".

Anyway, happy National Methamphetamine Awareness Day, a day late. If you missed it like I did, there's always "National Free The Country From Crippling Cynicism Day" -- November 3, 2008. Mark your calendars.